Some things i've learned...

I used to write a lot...I haven't in the past year or two. I'm not sure why. I've lost a few passions of mine and gained a few...maybe i never lost them but they just faded into the background with all the distractions that were shoved in my path.

looking back on some things over the past couple years...it seems i haven't grown much but after going to a group meeting tonight and a friend michael spoke i realized i've grown a lot more than i thought even though it seemed as if i have gone the wrong ways. See I realized this life isn't a race... we all grow and mature and find out who we are in different phases and stages..God made each one of us specifically and intricately. He knows exactly how you tick, what makes you sad and what makes you happy, how you are wired and what makes you do the things you do. So as i look back on the past couple years of my life, i kept telling myself i haven't grown and everyone is moving forward but ME. i sank low many nights because i was comparing my life to other people and i wasn't doing the right things per se, but God spoke to me tonight and told me that i'm exactly where he wants me to be and every little thing i've done that has put me right where i am is exactly what he ALLOWED to happen to make me who i am today.

sounds so cliche at times, but until you have had an experience to look back on you can't say it means anything to you. I guess i've learned that the people in my life that have always loved me still do...they never stopped and their words stick with me throughout my whole life. the friends i have that i know that love me are always there and love me no matter what i do. i can say that i think i have the best family and they mean everything to me, their love is a love from God and i feel so overwhelmed and blessed to have them in my life. the words they've spoken to me since i was little from my mom, dad and brother have made me into the woman i am today. their love is unconditional and stable...never fading.

it's true...you can have all the things in the world but if you don't have love you don't have anything. so true. all i want is love...love from God for he is love,..love with my family and friends. I just want to form better relationships with the people i love. that's what i feel i'm being called to. it may not be a doctor, or a lawyer or something significant in the world, but to love and be loved is greater than anything to me.

anyways i just got hit a wave of REAL SLEEPY LIKENESS. lol

bye bye.

i've always wanted this love.

The nights i cannot sleep are the nights that thoughts bounce around in my heart and head. for some reason writing about things helps me. maybe no one will read it but it doesn't matter to me. i just know it needs to be free.

when i write...i don't need to think about what people will say in response or think, i just know that there is one person who hears me and that is God. That is most comforting to me. I know that no matter what i do or say...He is there. No matter what dark valley I am treading through...He never leaves me. I know there is nothing i can do or say to make him love me less....He is a love that no man can offer or knows.

i just caught myself smiling.

I've always wanted a love that would stick up for me when no one else would...a love that would protect me when i'm beaten down or tossed about, a love that hides me in it's arms....just because. i've always wanted a love that never leaves me or forsakes me because it is bored or found something better. i've always wanted a love that means what it says.... a love that keeps no record of my wrongs....a love that doesn't punish me for having a bad day or ignores me because it's having a bad day. i've always wanted those things....and all along i've had it right at my finger tips....right in front of me....right in my heart. i've had that love but i reject it everyday for something trivial or distracting that only leaves me empty... and i'm always left at the end of the day asking myself why?

i've always had that love....the love that God can only offer me....for FREE. i've always had it...and the best part is...i didn't have to do a thing to gain it. i just believe....and the other best part is.. there is nothing i can do to lose this great love.

i have God and that is all i need. there are some lyrics from a band called RED that i LOVE so much right now. sometimes it's how i feel and knowing that it's clearly a song...somebody else has felt that way too....makes me think that we're all searching and needing something deeper in our lives than just surface and "things" of the world that don't fill us up. afterall, "all that glitters isn't gold."

"I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!"- RED

I'm off to Tennessee for awhile!

See ya soon.

Some things I love.

CUPCAKES and CUPCAKE STUFF.


concerts and meeting new people :)


good friends who are there for you.


coffee.


being weird.




friends. sunshine.





My brother. one of my best friends.




Roadtrips with good friends.




My favorite little boy. Gabe. ( or i call him BOWLS) ha He is so pleasant and fun. Definitely a gift from God.

all the glitters is not gold.

If there is one thing i want to be with you today... it is real.

Lately, I have been forgetting my purpose as to why I am alive and why I was created. I have been living for myself and essentially others (opinions) to find temporary happiness which wasn't real happiness to begin with. I know who my creator is and I know that my only purpose is to serve and know God.

I look around wherever I go, and i wonder what each person holds in their hearts; the deep secrets that nobody knows about them; the sadness or hurting they carry around; their desires and their bondages. I look at people everywhere i go whether they seem happy on the outside or sad on the outside, who is to know what really goes on in their hearts? only God.

I have known people in my lifetime for seasons and I thought I knew them, only to find later I had no idea who they were or what they kept deep inside of them. So the reason I am telling you this is because, I have struggled lately with feeling lost in my heart and life...because I don't measure up to the world's standards of being this or that or having the right job or at the right standard for this age, and i have been struggling with that because all this time i'm asking God what i'm supposed to do as well and I feel like He hasn't told me. I told you this because other people look great and have it together to me, but I don't know their hearts or their lives, and i'm comparing my life to someone else's path when God has his very own plan for me. deep down i know this.

oh my this life is so short. also, my ex from while ago got married this past saturday and for some reason i've been very sad about it. i guess he was my first real love and it feels funny to know he's married now even though i know deep down we weren't right for each other. it's funny how you feel those things. feelings are so unreliable. i guess i'm learning a lot about myself right now in life...its hard but its good i guess.

so i don't really have a conclusion to this entry this time because i haven't found a conclusion and even when i do have a conclusion sometimes i don't even apply it to my own life. so maybe i am better off not having a conclusion...maybe i'm better off just letting it be....

ok bye.

For some of us...our valleys have been dark this past year. I feel as if my valley has been dark but the good news is that it can change. With God all things are possible and the best part about it is He never ever leaves us.

I was listening to a sermon and it was talking about how sometimes we sit around and just wait for the Lord but we don't do our part. We just sit and wait and wait and wait and blame God for not working or coming through...but in almost every story in the Bible...followers of God had to make a first move...take a step of faith to show God that you TRULY trust him. If you need rain...and you are just sitting inside your home waiting on God to send some rain for a harvest in your life this year...He probably won't if you aren't digging some ditches. If you are wanting a job and you're sitting around at home waiting on some random phone call from an awesome job..it isn't going to happen! GO PUT ON SOME NICE CLOTHES AND GO OUT FOR AN INTERVIEW! DO your part....trust that God has great plans for your life. You may not get that job you want...but at least you're out there digging ditches waiting for God to send the rain at the PERFECT TIME.

If you're single and you're mad because you are wondering why God hasn't sent the right person in your life...quit trying to find the RIGHT person and YOU BE THE RIGHT PERSON and focus on CHRIST!!! If you're down and discouraged...look up and do WHAT YOU CAN...GOD WILL DO THE REST. He isn't a genie either....He just wants us to talk and trust him. He gives and takes away. He knows exactly what is best for us...but we HAVE TO DO OUR PART TOO. We do the natural...he will do the super.If you are at a point where you feel like you never hear God or feel him anymore..you might just need a stinkin nap!!! maybe you aren't eating right....TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! DO WHAT YOU CAN. I think we all need some encouragement.. and I just wanted to try and encourage anyone who reads this. SO go do the natural ( NAPS, EATING RIGHT, DIG SOME DITCHES, READ, PRAY, EXERCISE) and GOD will do the SUPER ( everything we cannot do.)The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.- Joel 2:25

Fearless

"Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" - Matthew 8:26

"So do not be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows."- Matthew 10:31

Worry does not work. It does not gain and does not promote the Holy Spirit. Find a way to be courageous today with your faith. Everyday is a chance to deplete your faith or allow it to grow. It's your choice. Nobody can make you worry and nobody can take away your worries except Jesus.


"Do not be afraid. Just believe, and your daughter will be well."- Luke 8:50

Lately. . .

I don't know much. I don't know where my life is leading. I am searching many things within my heart. I am questioning a lot. I am running to God but He is being silent with me. I still struggle with sins. I have messed up lately. I hate feeling lost when i'm saved by God's grace. I cannot seem to find myself. I know I am saved by God's grace and He is enough. I still have my doubts. I still look in the wrong places when I already have the answer. I still am a sinner.... i'm just forgiven by Jesus' blood Nothing can pluck me out of His hand Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I am a conqueror. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am a child of the Almighty one.
I am held by God's hands. I am loved. I am sought after. I am pursued. I'm still here. I'm alive. I'm willing. I'm open. I'm honest. I'm a free bird. I am pursuing.

Can I be honest? I don't know how to live. I try. I laugh. I learn. I fall. I cry. I pray. I search. I keep going. and I trust God. It's hard. It seems it is getting harder. I hope that somehow...this helps because i'm somewhere out here waiting on the Lord. Here I am Lord.

Sanders Bohlke til my days are through

There's something silly about the way people live; how they move and initiate the same conversations over and over each week. The way people talk and the way they show their feelings, if at all. There is something unique and ordinary meshed together oddly enough to describe the way people make it each day.

I can't put my finger on it...but as humans we want to live and when I say live I mean really LIVE. So when we aren't using our hearts and minds to the capacity they were created to beat and turn we evolve into a hollow box that was made to be filled and we begin to wander into a session of unfortunate activities and thoughts that never pertained to us to begin with.

none of this really makes sense, but it does. the world is flat. the world is round. bouncy balls don't bounce. words are just words... living isn't just living though.

i want to live. i want to live for Jesus. i'm struggling. flesh takes over spirit. so why do i reenact the same activities and words each day, and week? because we are creatures of habit which leads to your character which leads to either life or death.

i will be honest here on out.

Take Me

Take me back to a time when I was younger and everything meant nothing...



Take me back to a time when laughter was all I knew...



Take me back to a time when I was young and thought I knew what love was...





Take me to a place I feel safe...




Take me back to when I was a little girl and had my whole life ahead of me...





Take me anywhere on a map....




Take me back to this memory...



or this memory....


Take me anywhere, to any place, any time, any memory or thought....but none of those things or times define who I am. None of my memories or past failures, accomplishments, good times or bad times will ever define who I am.

The only thing that defines me is who I am in Christ.
So take me to Christ. not just today or right now, but everyday for the rest of my life because He is the one thing I know will never change, fade or create false hope... Take me to nothing but Christ.

DISTRACTIONS

Can i ask you one thing?

Who are you really living for? yourself? others? strangers? I may not look like it on the outside, but sometimes i find myself searching for happiness in myself and others when I already have God in my heart. It's ironic and chilling to the bone to think about. I hate it. I despise it. Why can't living a life for God be easier sometimes. He says He is the truth, the way and the life, so why is it so hard to find him sometimes when I already have Him? i'll tell you why. DISTRACTIONS.

I know that deep down He is alive and living inside of me. I know that He is always around me and knows the deepest parts of me that even I don't know. I know that there is not enough I could do for Him to love me more or less. I know He loves me more than anyone could ever love me. I know I am always accepted by Him and always will be. I know that I am seen through Jesus Christ's blood and there is not a thing i can do to impress God. I'm forgiven. So why is it so easy to run to distractions all the time when I already have the very thing that will complete me and only that? ......GOD.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6




I guess we are all human, and we fall. We are a work in progress. We must endure until the end. That is why grace isn't cheap, it was a price that Jesus paid for...all of us, to anyone who accepts what He has done. I guess I just wish I didn't get so distracted by such mundane things in this life. It is way too short not be running to God every single moment, every breath, every single day. I pray that I find fulfillment in Him and not distractions that don't last. I pray He draws closer to me as I draw closer to Him.

"See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority." (Col 2:8-10)



I guess the good thing is, God is a God of many chances, and a God of forgiveness and grace. He never turns his back on us even when we turn ours on him over and over and over again. So here I go again...running back to him after being distracted. Afterall we are a work in progress, and we will never be complete until the day of Christ's return.

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone."- James 4:14


"We often think today that Christ is part of our lives. He's maybe an important part but not all. We need Christ plus philosophy...we need Christ plus psychology...we need Christ plus ritual...we need Christ plus ceremony...... But the Bible says it's all in Christ and it's all in knowing Christ."

AGAPE

“There’s a criminal part to everyone’s heart, the outside looks clean, but the inside we’re falling apart. We call ourselves innocent men, but we don’t talk about the blood on our own hands. Tell me that there is a believable doubt or just walk away.” I think most of us don’t realize that there is a greater emotion than what we feel inside and it’s a love that takes place not just in us, or around us, but it has been, is and always will be. It is an Agape love that is unconditional. A love that is unheard of and for the most part unspoken of.
People don’t like to talk about truth, but they are free to tell you how they don’t feel so they can hide from the realness of themselves. When they find who they really are they see that there is one thing missing in their hearts and that is love. The irony of it is that all along that is the one thing everyone is searching for.
There is something free about the word “love”. It doesn’t mean to be free, but it is. So it must be true because the truth sets you free. I believe the goodness in people’s hearts is overwhelmed by the criminal part of their hearts.

Isaiah 44:10 says, "They traded in what their hearts could know for what their eyes could see."

This verse speaks to me vividly and immensely. I sit down and think about where my heart really has been lately. Am i searching for God or am i searching for quick fixes that "fill" me up? Am i trading in what I see right now for what is already in my heart that God has given me and only He can fulfill?

I think it's so easy to get distracted today with anything. It could be such a mundance thing that catches me off guard and the rest of my night I am not focusing on God. Its the simple things that get me such as finding a piece of chocolate and eating it which leads to something even more mundane like a quick nappy. lol

basically with this said, i have been brought to a point this past week where i have been craving God and his truth like i never have before. i feel joy. i feel peace. i am stirred up inside about my faith and who God is. I am tired of trading what i see for what is in my heart. I want God and cannot get enough.

discouraged.

Have you ever felt like you were so out of place? So alone in everything you think and desire out of this life? I have.

Tonight I went out to eat with some people, and as i was sitting across from two strangers i just met, the conversation was flowing rapidly. Thoughts and ideas were expressed that have been accumulated over time either through experience or through someone else's experience and I must say that I felt so out of place. I couldn't agree on anything that they were saying because they were all things that I hate what have been done to me.

They began sharing how they were talking to other guys that were in relationships already and some were even married, and I just couldn't believe how nonchalant it has become to talk to other people while they are already in a relationship. I mean, i am not perfect and i'm not trying to judge anyone, but my entire point to this is that I am so disheartened because I fear that there isn't many people who are faithful anymore. It seems to me that everyone is in it for themselves and what they can get and a quick satisfaction that sooner or later doesn't last and leaves them wanting only more and more. Unfaithful relationships and marriages is such a discouragement in my heart right now. It just stirs me up inside!


What is marriage about? does anyone take them seriously anymore? when people say vows, what do they even mean to them? Marriage is a sacred thing! even if you aren't married, you shouldn't even mess with fire. you shouldn't even think about playing with fire by talking to another man or woman. I mean does anyone even have the respect of another person anymore? Does anyone think about how the other person might feel if they find out what your significant other has been doing? It just seems so heartless to me right now. I just feel discouraged and wonder if there is anyone who is loyal anymore...is there anyone who is seeking a relationship based off God? is there anyone who feels out of place and alone?

just feeling discouraged.. . a lot.

Uninvited Interruptions

An alarm has gone off in my world. It is violently ringing and has been for the past couple of weeks. It will not turn off! (yet). It is relentless. It is uninviting. It is a rude awakening and all I want to do is smash it! All I want to do is turn this alarm off and go back into my comfortable, deep sleep. But guess what? God has other plans for me.

Sometimes we can become so comfortable in our tiny little worlds and our tiny little to-do lists that we forget our exact purpose of existence. We can become so comfortable with our loved ones and planning our future that we tend to place God on the backburner in our lives. It seems as if we have an attitude of, " nah, i'm doing ok without you right now God, but hey thanks for never leaving me just in case I do need you." Well, i don't blame any of us, because it is so easy to do. There are so many distractions in our lives that can keep us soley focused on Jesus alone!

So let's just get to my point. As most of you know, I am going through a very dark valley in my life right now. I had just been at one of the highest points in my life, an engagement with a man I love deeply to one of the lowest points of breaking it off. It was unexpected. It was unplanned. It was uninviting. It was horrendous. It is breaking my heart. It is excruciating and painful. It is a time in my life that has brought me to my knees to question everything in my life and why I am here now. How can you go from what seemed to be clearly God's will for your life to your whole world seeming to crumble? nothing makes sense to me right now.

So here I am hurting and at a loss of wisdom as to what God is up to right now. I am questioning my identity, my value and even my purpose in life because that's what pain does. It moves you. It directs you and pushes you in some kind of direction whether you like it or not. I didn't ask for this nor did I ever think it would happen, but it did and all the while God knew it too. Nothing surprised him and nothing ever will. He is Sovereign, therefore He is in control no matter how I decide to react to this pain in my life. I can run away from him and let my faith be depleted because its too hard, or I can run to Him with every moment I feel lost, with every moment I feel alone, with every moment that my heart feels it is being ripped into pieces, with every moment I feel I am too weak to even believe there is a good plan behind the fogginess right now, with every moment I ache for the life I wanted, with every moment I feel impatient with God, withe every moment I question his plan and purpose of my being.....I can run to him and experience the relationship with Him that I wouldn't have otherwise when I was comfortable making "my" plans for my life.

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."- Psalm 37:23

So all the while I was making plans for my life thinking it was what was going to happen, apparently God has other plans right now. So, at first I wished he would just take all of this away because its too hard, and it continues to be very hard, but I remember when Paul said this, " I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."(Phill 4:12-13) Paul says He learned to be content in whatever circumstance and we all know that he was put in jail and beaten to a point of wanting to die. He was hungry and went through dark valleys of desperation, yet He learned to be content! Because He GOT IT! He got that the entire point of going through all of those hard times was about his relationship with God and that nothing compared to the fullness in knowing Christ! Nothing compared. I can sit here and say with all my heart that I'd like to be like Paul and be content in this circumstance of my life right now, but I'm not there yet.

But I can tell you where I am at though. I can tell you that I don't care if you think I am weak or hurting because the truth is, I am both of those right now. I can tell you that through this everything looks foggy to me and I am taking blind steps of faith right now. I am truly letting God show me the direction in my life. I can tell you that through all of this, I want God to show me a brand new way of living and experience Jesus like I have never experienced Him in my entire life! What is it that Paul is boasting about that we have yet to discover? What is this relationship with Christ supposed to look like? Maybe I've never seen it, maybe that's what this hiccuup on my little roadmap is all about. I can tell you that I am going to run to God through all this because I trust in Him and am learning to put my hope in Christ alone because afterall nothing is certain in this life. At any point in time something can be taken away from us, or our plans can change in the blink of an eye!

Psalm 73:26- " My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."

So I urge you to take heart because in this world you too will have trouble, but Jesus said He has overcome the world! I urge you to draw near to God even when your world is together and comfortable because nothing else should take God's place in your heart! Through all of this, I don't even want to go back to being fine like a time before, I want to learn that God has a NEW LIFE for me that He has always intended. I want to know and believe that God's best work is ALWAYS in the future and I know He has started a good work in me and isn't finished! I want to press on to the future and not look back! I want to run to him when I am sad and lost and give him my everything! I hope and pray to rise up and be made into a new person through this dark valley. So pray for me and continue to pray for God to heal my heart and completely guide me. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who show Christ and love me through this time too! I really am so thankful. So I basically wanted to share with you exactly where I am right now with no strings attached. Just a broken human being who will be strengthened and renewed all through Christ!

So this Alarm that is still violently ringing in my ears and probably will for awhile longer won't last forever. Soon I can put it on snooze and hopefully I won't fall back into a deep slumber again, but learn from this and become more awake in my walk with Christ to see Who He is truly! Sometimes its hard to wake up, but one way or the other we have to because God loves us too much to let us remain who we are without Him first in our hearts.

to all who feel numb...

You can't blame numbness towards God on any circumstance, upbringing or excuse in your life. The numbness you feel at times isn't because God disconnected from you, it is because you disonnected from God. Your numbness isn't something you can blame on anyone else or thing but yourself! He isn't a God of mediocrity, but... a God of remarkable, unfathomable and wonderful!

life of mediocrity is what most of us live....but God has a life of fullness and abundant living. so how do we miss out on that? why do so many of us experience the freeness of sin and accept salvation but miss out on the wonderful relationship with Jesus himself?

i think that we drift away ourselves...we fill our lives with such "busy" activities that we actually become addicted to busying ourselves. we have a drug. whatever you replace your time with instead of God is an idol, a drug.

i'm guilty of it. everyone is at one point in their lives...

thing is i am working on getting back to a point where I am no longer numb. I feel numb right now....and it is only my fault. sometimes it is so hard for me to grasp his love and forgiveness. the only thing i know is...my life could be remarkable, awesome and unfathomable! but i lead a life of mediocrity because i've chosen that.

God is the only one who can warm your heart...

may you find the strength to spark the flame again, and find that Christ is the ultimate way to living!

some things i've learned along the way...

i guess that i believe if you have something on your heart, you should share it. sooner or later it will probably come out one way or the other. always be honest. don't be brutal. always be loving. always share and be kind. never believe everything you hear. take interest in others. don't eat so much junkfood. exercise..it really does help you feel better. learn to forgive people, even the ones that hurt you more than anything. find what you believe in. no one can make you believe something you don't. don't follow; lead. i know that they always say to never regret anything, but i say...regret...move on and learn from it. don't hold grudges because the only person hurting is you. life isn't a race or a competition; we're all given different lots and paths in life...take your time to find the right way. i believe Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins and he is the one truth and the only way. don't take my word; i say find out for yourself. laughter is the sweetest gift someone can give you. forget the past and truly forget it or you'll never have a better future. hold onto true love. if you love someone tell them even if they don't tell you back. laugh at yourself. love your enemies. love all. you can't please everyone and if you are then something is wrong.you only have one family so love them and know them. be true to yourself because you live with yourself always.listen to your heart. don't be cliche like i am right now. don't be generic when someone is upset. have at least one good failure in life. fall down. cry a good cry. take a roadtrip and don't use a map; just drive. never give up.ever.

to be continued....

wake up

you just woke up. your eyes adjust to the light.you can see but your ears are ringing. you can't hear anything at all. your heart starts to beat fast. your eyes widen and blood quickly runs through your veins. you walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. say a few words outloud to see if you can hear. nothing. absolutely nothing.

what would you do if you woke up and something so precious was taken from you without any warning? how terrible would it be to lose your sight or hearing? how terrible would it be to lose a limb? how terrible would it be to know that you had those and now suddenly they are gone forever?

sometimes, i feel as if i take so much for granted. i can see. i can hear. i can walk. i can talk and laugh. i can comprehend. i can run and play. i can sing. i can draw and think. i have so much in my life. i am so blessed.

God has given me so much. this life isn't a race or a competition. i've been given my lot and i'm so thankful. i think it is hard to imagine what life would be like without the things i've already been given and its hard to grasp how some people make it in this life. it just has been on my mind how blessed i am & i don't want to take it for granted.

i need to wake up. i need to live more.
this is life right now. it doesn't wait for anyone.

Serendipity

It was the year of 2009, and I was attending Liberty University at the time. I currently was on Spring break and came home for a few days. I strolled into church that sunday I was home and there he was....Anthony Mossburg. I saw him standing in the back of the church and that was when I first thought to myself "I wouldn't mind getting to know this fella." (along with every other girl) lol. He sure was cute. I am a bit old fashioned, therefore I don't ever chase after men and with that said, I did nothing but say "hey" to him. That was that. I went back to school and went on with my life.

Meanwhile God had other plans, because I came home for the summer and found out that I wouldn't be able to return to Liberty in the fall due to financial issues. I can assure you it wasn't pretty. I was CRUSHED. I had made so many good friends and had such a fun time at Liberty that I was on cloud nine, and then the thought of coming back home was just terrible to me at the time. ( funny looking back) I had a rough summer because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with school and where I was in my life. I almost felt as if I was searching for a temporary fill(instead of turning to God) because I had been so happy and then I wasn't. I quickly found through that experience of transitioning that I based alot of my happiness on my circumstances. Looking back it was good I didn't go back to Liberty because believe it or not, I prayed and read God's word less while I was at Liberty (christian university) because I was always running around with friends and doing activities.

So here I was back home, feeling sad for myself and missing my busy life with friends 24/7. I was in this waiting room of trying to figure out what to do with my life, so I decided to go to wvup. I finally accepted where I was and realized God had some BIG plans ahead for me. I remember writing that down to remind myself. I remember saying that outloud to myself as well. " God has big plans for me! I trust Him." I wasn't sure what they were or still to this day what His plans are for me, but i've come a long ways.

I remember that my deepest desires in my heart were to know God more and wanting a husband. I remember most of my cousins at the time were recently married and having babies and I desired that in my heart, but I didn't know if that was for me. It was a rough time for me. At times I felt very selfish because I wanted what I wanted, so I asked God to remove any desires from my heart that didn't match up with His. They never left.

Meanwhile, God was working in Anthony's heart. Anthony was away traveling with billy wayne so we didn't really talk a whole lot. Occasionally i'd get a text from Anthony. I was always interested in him, and to be honest i'm pretty sure i had an idea he was interested in me (haha), but we just were in different places at the time. So i was running late for church one wednesday of fall 2009 and i'm walking into church probably about 15 minutes late, and i hear this car pull up and its anthony! I thought to myself " oh great I look terrible tonight!". haha So he caught up to me and we chatted for a little bit and that was that. I thought that he'd be heading back on the road again with billy wayne to sing soon so i didn't want to get to involved by even just talking to him. (girls are odd) lol. Long story short, i get a text from him that night and we ended up hanging out that weekend and let's just say it was HISTORY FROM THERE. haha all it took was one time hanging out with me and he was hooked...haha totally kidding. but really... lol.

He ended up coming back home for some reason instead of touring with billy wayne for opportunities at home to sing and we just instantly clicked! So this october 28th will be our one year. we knew within a month or so that we were going to get married. God brought us together for a very special reason. He has brought so much of God's love in my life. I have learned so much about God through Anthony. I am honestly so blessed to have him in my life and I almost feel guilty to know him because He's so wonderful to me! I don't deserve such a godly man who sincerely loves the Lord! God is so merciful and loving.

So here we are...almost a year later, ENGAGED! It makes my heart smile and I am so excited to see what God will do in our lives together. I am just elated to see God through this relationship. I think its a bit surreal to me right now and I just find myself daydreaming the past few days of our wedding and our life together. It is exciting. Its just life and mundane things that I find myself being excited over like going to the grocery store or cooking meals together, but its because i'm in love with this man!

So here it is...i hope that in 6 months, i will read this and laugh because it seems so far from now but i know it will come quickly.
I just thank God for this experience and hope He shows us the way to go.