Sunday, September 26, 2010
It was the year of 2009, and I was attending Liberty University at the time. I currently was on Spring break and came home for a few days. I strolled into church that sunday I was home and there he was....Anthony Mossburg. I saw him standing in the back of the church and that was when I first thought to myself "I wouldn't mind getting to know this fella." (along with every other girl) lol. He sure was cute. I am a bit old fashioned, therefore I don't ever chase after men and with that said, I did nothing but say "hey" to him. That was that. I went back to school and went on with my life.
Meanwhile God had other plans, because I came home for the summer and found out that I wouldn't be able to return to Liberty in the fall due to financial issues. I can assure you it wasn't pretty. I was CRUSHED. I had made so many good friends and had such a fun time at Liberty that I was on cloud nine, and then the thought of coming back home was just terrible to me at the time. ( funny looking back) I had a rough summer because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with school and where I was in my life. I almost felt as if I was searching for a temporary fill(instead of turning to God) because I had been so happy and then I wasn't. I quickly found through that experience of transitioning that I based alot of my happiness on my circumstances. Looking back it was good I didn't go back to Liberty because believe it or not, I prayed and read God's word less while I was at Liberty (christian university) because I was always running around with friends and doing activities.
So here I was back home, feeling sad for myself and missing my busy life with friends 24/7. I was in this waiting room of trying to figure out what to do with my life, so I decided to go to wvup. I finally accepted where I was and realized God had some BIG plans ahead for me. I remember writing that down to remind myself. I remember saying that outloud to myself as well. " God has big plans for me! I trust Him." I wasn't sure what they were or still to this day what His plans are for me, but i've come a long ways.
I remember that my deepest desires in my heart were to know God more and wanting a husband. I remember most of my cousins at the time were recently married and having babies and I desired that in my heart, but I didn't know if that was for me. It was a rough time for me. At times I felt very selfish because I wanted what I wanted, so I asked God to remove any desires from my heart that didn't match up with His. They never left.
Meanwhile, God was working in Anthony's heart. Anthony was away traveling with billy wayne so we didn't really talk a whole lot. Occasionally i'd get a text from Anthony. I was always interested in him, and to be honest i'm pretty sure i had an idea he was interested in me (haha), but we just were in different places at the time. So i was running late for church one wednesday of fall 2009 and i'm walking into church probably about 15 minutes late, and i hear this car pull up and its anthony! I thought to myself " oh great I look terrible tonight!". haha So he caught up to me and we chatted for a little bit and that was that. I thought that he'd be heading back on the road again with billy wayne to sing soon so i didn't want to get to involved by even just talking to him. (girls are odd) lol. Long story short, i get a text from him that night and we ended up hanging out that weekend and let's just say it was HISTORY FROM THERE. haha all it took was one time hanging out with me and he was hooked...haha totally kidding. but really... lol.
He ended up coming back home for some reason instead of touring with billy wayne for opportunities at home to sing and we just instantly clicked! So this october 28th will be our one year. we knew within a month or so that we were going to get married. God brought us together for a very special reason. He has brought so much of God's love in my life. I have learned so much about God through Anthony. I am honestly so blessed to have him in my life and I almost feel guilty to know him because He's so wonderful to me! I don't deserve such a godly man who sincerely loves the Lord! God is so merciful and loving.
So here we are...almost a year later, ENGAGED! It makes my heart smile and I am so excited to see what God will do in our lives together. I am just elated to see God through this relationship. I think its a bit surreal to me right now and I just find myself daydreaming the past few days of our wedding and our life together. It is exciting. Its just life and mundane things that I find myself being excited over like going to the grocery store or cooking meals together, but its because i'm in love with this man!
So here it is...i hope that in 6 months, i will read this and laugh because it seems so far from now but i know it will come quickly.
I just thank God for this experience and hope He shows us the way to go.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I don't care what you've done or who you used to be.
but i don't understand that you don't care about my past as well.
I don't mind if you mess up or fail.
but i can't seem to grasp that you love me in my lowest points.
You make me smile when I don't want to.
I can't see why I'd make you smile.
You encourage me and lift me up because you care.
sometimes i don't believe you.
no matter what i love you.
no matter what you love me.
some things are just so hard to grasp, like how someone can love you. sometimes it is hard for me to believe people really love me because i know myself and how i am. I know when I'm grumpy and the mean thoughts that i think which i don't want to think but i do because I'm a sinful being. i know all of my faults and failures. i know myself in my lowest points. I still wonder how someone can love me and see past my faults and bad seasons.
i've learned through my relationships in the past and relationships in my life right now what true love really is, and i only know because Christ is present in these relationships currently. I've learned that someone can love me and part of someone loving me is accepting it. My view on God's love for me has been skewed for so long and i didn't even realize it until i fell in love. God sees me through Jesus' blood now whereas before He saw sin, but now that i've asked Jesus into my heart, He only sees Christ's blood. He loves me no matter what i've done, no matter what I do and no matter what i'm going to do. He loves me through my faults, my sins, my failures and my frustration. He just loves me.
i know that it is possible for someone to love me through all my bad seasons. i know that it is real that some people in my life love me with all they have. i see it. i feel it and i'm coming around to accept it. the brokeness in my past through certain things have affected me, but God restores hearts and lives and He is! He has lead me to a person who truly radiates Christ and Christ's love and i am able to see Christ in a different light now. I am able to see. Love sees.
i don't understand why it is so hard for me at times to accept love from other people, let alone God, because i truly know God loves me, that's why he sent his son to die on the cross for me. God shows me everyday He loves me, so why is it hard to accept his love sometimes? why is it hard to accept other people's love for me too?
I know that real love, sticks with you to the end. It never gives up. It is patient and kind, gentle, not jealous and all of those wonderful things. God is love.
I just think i am so blessed to know Jesus as my savior. To experience his love through my relationships with other people and to see His love for me in a different light. I know he's not finished molding me, and i'm quite ok with that. :)