i've always wanted this love.

The nights i cannot sleep are the nights that thoughts bounce around in my heart and head. for some reason writing about things helps me. maybe no one will read it but it doesn't matter to me. i just know it needs to be free.

when i write...i don't need to think about what people will say in response or think, i just know that there is one person who hears me and that is God. That is most comforting to me. I know that no matter what i do or say...He is there. No matter what dark valley I am treading through...He never leaves me. I know there is nothing i can do or say to make him love me less....He is a love that no man can offer or knows.

i just caught myself smiling.

I've always wanted a love that would stick up for me when no one else would...a love that would protect me when i'm beaten down or tossed about, a love that hides me in it's arms....just because. i've always wanted a love that never leaves me or forsakes me because it is bored or found something better. i've always wanted a love that means what it says.... a love that keeps no record of my wrongs....a love that doesn't punish me for having a bad day or ignores me because it's having a bad day. i've always wanted those things....and all along i've had it right at my finger tips....right in front of me....right in my heart. i've had that love but i reject it everyday for something trivial or distracting that only leaves me empty... and i'm always left at the end of the day asking myself why?

i've always had that love....the love that God can only offer me....for FREE. i've always had it...and the best part is...i didn't have to do a thing to gain it. i just believe....and the other best part is.. there is nothing i can do to lose this great love.

i have God and that is all i need. there are some lyrics from a band called RED that i LOVE so much right now. sometimes it's how i feel and knowing that it's clearly a song...somebody else has felt that way too....makes me think that we're all searching and needing something deeper in our lives than just surface and "things" of the world that don't fill us up. afterall, "all that glitters isn't gold."

"I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole!"- RED

I'm off to Tennessee for awhile!

See ya soon.

Some things I love.

CUPCAKES and CUPCAKE STUFF.


concerts and meeting new people :)


good friends who are there for you.


coffee.


being weird.




friends. sunshine.





My brother. one of my best friends.




Roadtrips with good friends.




My favorite little boy. Gabe. ( or i call him BOWLS) ha He is so pleasant and fun. Definitely a gift from God.

all the glitters is not gold.

If there is one thing i want to be with you today... it is real.

Lately, I have been forgetting my purpose as to why I am alive and why I was created. I have been living for myself and essentially others (opinions) to find temporary happiness which wasn't real happiness to begin with. I know who my creator is and I know that my only purpose is to serve and know God.

I look around wherever I go, and i wonder what each person holds in their hearts; the deep secrets that nobody knows about them; the sadness or hurting they carry around; their desires and their bondages. I look at people everywhere i go whether they seem happy on the outside or sad on the outside, who is to know what really goes on in their hearts? only God.

I have known people in my lifetime for seasons and I thought I knew them, only to find later I had no idea who they were or what they kept deep inside of them. So the reason I am telling you this is because, I have struggled lately with feeling lost in my heart and life...because I don't measure up to the world's standards of being this or that or having the right job or at the right standard for this age, and i have been struggling with that because all this time i'm asking God what i'm supposed to do as well and I feel like He hasn't told me. I told you this because other people look great and have it together to me, but I don't know their hearts or their lives, and i'm comparing my life to someone else's path when God has his very own plan for me. deep down i know this.

oh my this life is so short. also, my ex from while ago got married this past saturday and for some reason i've been very sad about it. i guess he was my first real love and it feels funny to know he's married now even though i know deep down we weren't right for each other. it's funny how you feel those things. feelings are so unreliable. i guess i'm learning a lot about myself right now in life...its hard but its good i guess.

so i don't really have a conclusion to this entry this time because i haven't found a conclusion and even when i do have a conclusion sometimes i don't even apply it to my own life. so maybe i am better off not having a conclusion...maybe i'm better off just letting it be....

ok bye.

For some of us...our valleys have been dark this past year. I feel as if my valley has been dark but the good news is that it can change. With God all things are possible and the best part about it is He never ever leaves us.

I was listening to a sermon and it was talking about how sometimes we sit around and just wait for the Lord but we don't do our part. We just sit and wait and wait and wait and blame God for not working or coming through...but in almost every story in the Bible...followers of God had to make a first move...take a step of faith to show God that you TRULY trust him. If you need rain...and you are just sitting inside your home waiting on God to send some rain for a harvest in your life this year...He probably won't if you aren't digging some ditches. If you are wanting a job and you're sitting around at home waiting on some random phone call from an awesome job..it isn't going to happen! GO PUT ON SOME NICE CLOTHES AND GO OUT FOR AN INTERVIEW! DO your part....trust that God has great plans for your life. You may not get that job you want...but at least you're out there digging ditches waiting for God to send the rain at the PERFECT TIME.

If you're single and you're mad because you are wondering why God hasn't sent the right person in your life...quit trying to find the RIGHT person and YOU BE THE RIGHT PERSON and focus on CHRIST!!! If you're down and discouraged...look up and do WHAT YOU CAN...GOD WILL DO THE REST. He isn't a genie either....He just wants us to talk and trust him. He gives and takes away. He knows exactly what is best for us...but we HAVE TO DO OUR PART TOO. We do the natural...he will do the super.If you are at a point where you feel like you never hear God or feel him anymore..you might just need a stinkin nap!!! maybe you aren't eating right....TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! DO WHAT YOU CAN. I think we all need some encouragement.. and I just wanted to try and encourage anyone who reads this. SO go do the natural ( NAPS, EATING RIGHT, DIG SOME DITCHES, READ, PRAY, EXERCISE) and GOD will do the SUPER ( everything we cannot do.)The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.- Joel 2:25

Fearless

"Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" - Matthew 8:26

"So do not be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows."- Matthew 10:31

Worry does not work. It does not gain and does not promote the Holy Spirit. Find a way to be courageous today with your faith. Everyday is a chance to deplete your faith or allow it to grow. It's your choice. Nobody can make you worry and nobody can take away your worries except Jesus.


"Do not be afraid. Just believe, and your daughter will be well."- Luke 8:50

Lately. . .

I don't know much. I don't know where my life is leading. I am searching many things within my heart. I am questioning a lot. I am running to God but He is being silent with me. I still struggle with sins. I have messed up lately. I hate feeling lost when i'm saved by God's grace. I cannot seem to find myself. I know I am saved by God's grace and He is enough. I still have my doubts. I still look in the wrong places when I already have the answer. I still am a sinner.... i'm just forgiven by Jesus' blood Nothing can pluck me out of His hand Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I am a conqueror. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am a child of the Almighty one.
I am held by God's hands. I am loved. I am sought after. I am pursued. I'm still here. I'm alive. I'm willing. I'm open. I'm honest. I'm a free bird. I am pursuing.

Can I be honest? I don't know how to live. I try. I laugh. I learn. I fall. I cry. I pray. I search. I keep going. and I trust God. It's hard. It seems it is getting harder. I hope that somehow...this helps because i'm somewhere out here waiting on the Lord. Here I am Lord.

Sanders Bohlke til my days are through

There's something silly about the way people live; how they move and initiate the same conversations over and over each week. The way people talk and the way they show their feelings, if at all. There is something unique and ordinary meshed together oddly enough to describe the way people make it each day.

I can't put my finger on it...but as humans we want to live and when I say live I mean really LIVE. So when we aren't using our hearts and minds to the capacity they were created to beat and turn we evolve into a hollow box that was made to be filled and we begin to wander into a session of unfortunate activities and thoughts that never pertained to us to begin with.

none of this really makes sense, but it does. the world is flat. the world is round. bouncy balls don't bounce. words are just words... living isn't just living though.

i want to live. i want to live for Jesus. i'm struggling. flesh takes over spirit. so why do i reenact the same activities and words each day, and week? because we are creatures of habit which leads to your character which leads to either life or death.

i will be honest here on out.

Take Me

Take me back to a time when I was younger and everything meant nothing...



Take me back to a time when laughter was all I knew...



Take me back to a time when I was young and thought I knew what love was...





Take me to a place I feel safe...




Take me back to when I was a little girl and had my whole life ahead of me...





Take me anywhere on a map....




Take me back to this memory...



or this memory....


Take me anywhere, to any place, any time, any memory or thought....but none of those things or times define who I am. None of my memories or past failures, accomplishments, good times or bad times will ever define who I am.

The only thing that defines me is who I am in Christ.
So take me to Christ. not just today or right now, but everyday for the rest of my life because He is the one thing I know will never change, fade or create false hope... Take me to nothing but Christ.

DISTRACTIONS

Can i ask you one thing?

Who are you really living for? yourself? others? strangers? I may not look like it on the outside, but sometimes i find myself searching for happiness in myself and others when I already have God in my heart. It's ironic and chilling to the bone to think about. I hate it. I despise it. Why can't living a life for God be easier sometimes. He says He is the truth, the way and the life, so why is it so hard to find him sometimes when I already have Him? i'll tell you why. DISTRACTIONS.

I know that deep down He is alive and living inside of me. I know that He is always around me and knows the deepest parts of me that even I don't know. I know that there is not enough I could do for Him to love me more or less. I know He loves me more than anyone could ever love me. I know I am always accepted by Him and always will be. I know that I am seen through Jesus Christ's blood and there is not a thing i can do to impress God. I'm forgiven. So why is it so easy to run to distractions all the time when I already have the very thing that will complete me and only that? ......GOD.

"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil 1:6




I guess we are all human, and we fall. We are a work in progress. We must endure until the end. That is why grace isn't cheap, it was a price that Jesus paid for...all of us, to anyone who accepts what He has done. I guess I just wish I didn't get so distracted by such mundane things in this life. It is way too short not be running to God every single moment, every breath, every single day. I pray that I find fulfillment in Him and not distractions that don't last. I pray He draws closer to me as I draw closer to Him.

"See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. For in Him all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete, and He is the head over all rule and authority." (Col 2:8-10)



I guess the good thing is, God is a God of many chances, and a God of forgiveness and grace. He never turns his back on us even when we turn ours on him over and over and over again. So here I go again...running back to him after being distracted. Afterall we are a work in progress, and we will never be complete until the day of Christ's return.

"How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone."- James 4:14


"We often think today that Christ is part of our lives. He's maybe an important part but not all. We need Christ plus philosophy...we need Christ plus psychology...we need Christ plus ritual...we need Christ plus ceremony...... But the Bible says it's all in Christ and it's all in knowing Christ."

AGAPE

“There’s a criminal part to everyone’s heart, the outside looks clean, but the inside we’re falling apart. We call ourselves innocent men, but we don’t talk about the blood on our own hands. Tell me that there is a believable doubt or just walk away.” I think most of us don’t realize that there is a greater emotion than what we feel inside and it’s a love that takes place not just in us, or around us, but it has been, is and always will be. It is an Agape love that is unconditional. A love that is unheard of and for the most part unspoken of.
People don’t like to talk about truth, but they are free to tell you how they don’t feel so they can hide from the realness of themselves. When they find who they really are they see that there is one thing missing in their hearts and that is love. The irony of it is that all along that is the one thing everyone is searching for.
There is something free about the word “love”. It doesn’t mean to be free, but it is. So it must be true because the truth sets you free. I believe the goodness in people’s hearts is overwhelmed by the criminal part of their hearts.

Isaiah 44:10 says, "They traded in what their hearts could know for what their eyes could see."

This verse speaks to me vividly and immensely. I sit down and think about where my heart really has been lately. Am i searching for God or am i searching for quick fixes that "fill" me up? Am i trading in what I see right now for what is already in my heart that God has given me and only He can fulfill?

I think it's so easy to get distracted today with anything. It could be such a mundance thing that catches me off guard and the rest of my night I am not focusing on God. Its the simple things that get me such as finding a piece of chocolate and eating it which leads to something even more mundane like a quick nappy. lol

basically with this said, i have been brought to a point this past week where i have been craving God and his truth like i never have before. i feel joy. i feel peace. i am stirred up inside about my faith and who God is. I am tired of trading what i see for what is in my heart. I want God and cannot get enough.