discouraged.

Have you ever felt like you were so out of place? So alone in everything you think and desire out of this life? I have.

Tonight I went out to eat with some people, and as i was sitting across from two strangers i just met, the conversation was flowing rapidly. Thoughts and ideas were expressed that have been accumulated over time either through experience or through someone else's experience and I must say that I felt so out of place. I couldn't agree on anything that they were saying because they were all things that I hate what have been done to me.

They began sharing how they were talking to other guys that were in relationships already and some were even married, and I just couldn't believe how nonchalant it has become to talk to other people while they are already in a relationship. I mean, i am not perfect and i'm not trying to judge anyone, but my entire point to this is that I am so disheartened because I fear that there isn't many people who are faithful anymore. It seems to me that everyone is in it for themselves and what they can get and a quick satisfaction that sooner or later doesn't last and leaves them wanting only more and more. Unfaithful relationships and marriages is such a discouragement in my heart right now. It just stirs me up inside!


What is marriage about? does anyone take them seriously anymore? when people say vows, what do they even mean to them? Marriage is a sacred thing! even if you aren't married, you shouldn't even mess with fire. you shouldn't even think about playing with fire by talking to another man or woman. I mean does anyone even have the respect of another person anymore? Does anyone think about how the other person might feel if they find out what your significant other has been doing? It just seems so heartless to me right now. I just feel discouraged and wonder if there is anyone who is loyal anymore...is there anyone who is seeking a relationship based off God? is there anyone who feels out of place and alone?

just feeling discouraged.. . a lot.

Uninvited Interruptions

An alarm has gone off in my world. It is violently ringing and has been for the past couple of weeks. It will not turn off! (yet). It is relentless. It is uninviting. It is a rude awakening and all I want to do is smash it! All I want to do is turn this alarm off and go back into my comfortable, deep sleep. But guess what? God has other plans for me.

Sometimes we can become so comfortable in our tiny little worlds and our tiny little to-do lists that we forget our exact purpose of existence. We can become so comfortable with our loved ones and planning our future that we tend to place God on the backburner in our lives. It seems as if we have an attitude of, " nah, i'm doing ok without you right now God, but hey thanks for never leaving me just in case I do need you." Well, i don't blame any of us, because it is so easy to do. There are so many distractions in our lives that can keep us soley focused on Jesus alone!

So let's just get to my point. As most of you know, I am going through a very dark valley in my life right now. I had just been at one of the highest points in my life, an engagement with a man I love deeply to one of the lowest points of breaking it off. It was unexpected. It was unplanned. It was uninviting. It was horrendous. It is breaking my heart. It is excruciating and painful. It is a time in my life that has brought me to my knees to question everything in my life and why I am here now. How can you go from what seemed to be clearly God's will for your life to your whole world seeming to crumble? nothing makes sense to me right now.

So here I am hurting and at a loss of wisdom as to what God is up to right now. I am questioning my identity, my value and even my purpose in life because that's what pain does. It moves you. It directs you and pushes you in some kind of direction whether you like it or not. I didn't ask for this nor did I ever think it would happen, but it did and all the while God knew it too. Nothing surprised him and nothing ever will. He is Sovereign, therefore He is in control no matter how I decide to react to this pain in my life. I can run away from him and let my faith be depleted because its too hard, or I can run to Him with every moment I feel lost, with every moment I feel alone, with every moment that my heart feels it is being ripped into pieces, with every moment I feel I am too weak to even believe there is a good plan behind the fogginess right now, with every moment I ache for the life I wanted, with every moment I feel impatient with God, withe every moment I question his plan and purpose of my being.....I can run to him and experience the relationship with Him that I wouldn't have otherwise when I was comfortable making "my" plans for my life.

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."- Psalm 37:23

So all the while I was making plans for my life thinking it was what was going to happen, apparently God has other plans right now. So, at first I wished he would just take all of this away because its too hard, and it continues to be very hard, but I remember when Paul said this, " I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."(Phill 4:12-13) Paul says He learned to be content in whatever circumstance and we all know that he was put in jail and beaten to a point of wanting to die. He was hungry and went through dark valleys of desperation, yet He learned to be content! Because He GOT IT! He got that the entire point of going through all of those hard times was about his relationship with God and that nothing compared to the fullness in knowing Christ! Nothing compared. I can sit here and say with all my heart that I'd like to be like Paul and be content in this circumstance of my life right now, but I'm not there yet.

But I can tell you where I am at though. I can tell you that I don't care if you think I am weak or hurting because the truth is, I am both of those right now. I can tell you that through this everything looks foggy to me and I am taking blind steps of faith right now. I am truly letting God show me the direction in my life. I can tell you that through all of this, I want God to show me a brand new way of living and experience Jesus like I have never experienced Him in my entire life! What is it that Paul is boasting about that we have yet to discover? What is this relationship with Christ supposed to look like? Maybe I've never seen it, maybe that's what this hiccuup on my little roadmap is all about. I can tell you that I am going to run to God through all this because I trust in Him and am learning to put my hope in Christ alone because afterall nothing is certain in this life. At any point in time something can be taken away from us, or our plans can change in the blink of an eye!

Psalm 73:26- " My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."

So I urge you to take heart because in this world you too will have trouble, but Jesus said He has overcome the world! I urge you to draw near to God even when your world is together and comfortable because nothing else should take God's place in your heart! Through all of this, I don't even want to go back to being fine like a time before, I want to learn that God has a NEW LIFE for me that He has always intended. I want to know and believe that God's best work is ALWAYS in the future and I know He has started a good work in me and isn't finished! I want to press on to the future and not look back! I want to run to him when I am sad and lost and give him my everything! I hope and pray to rise up and be made into a new person through this dark valley. So pray for me and continue to pray for God to heal my heart and completely guide me. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who show Christ and love me through this time too! I really am so thankful. So I basically wanted to share with you exactly where I am right now with no strings attached. Just a broken human being who will be strengthened and renewed all through Christ!

So this Alarm that is still violently ringing in my ears and probably will for awhile longer won't last forever. Soon I can put it on snooze and hopefully I won't fall back into a deep slumber again, but learn from this and become more awake in my walk with Christ to see Who He is truly! Sometimes its hard to wake up, but one way or the other we have to because God loves us too much to let us remain who we are without Him first in our hearts.

to all who feel numb...

You can't blame numbness towards God on any circumstance, upbringing or excuse in your life. The numbness you feel at times isn't because God disconnected from you, it is because you disonnected from God. Your numbness isn't something you can blame on anyone else or thing but yourself! He isn't a God of mediocrity, but... a God of remarkable, unfathomable and wonderful!

life of mediocrity is what most of us live....but God has a life of fullness and abundant living. so how do we miss out on that? why do so many of us experience the freeness of sin and accept salvation but miss out on the wonderful relationship with Jesus himself?

i think that we drift away ourselves...we fill our lives with such "busy" activities that we actually become addicted to busying ourselves. we have a drug. whatever you replace your time with instead of God is an idol, a drug.

i'm guilty of it. everyone is at one point in their lives...

thing is i am working on getting back to a point where I am no longer numb. I feel numb right now....and it is only my fault. sometimes it is so hard for me to grasp his love and forgiveness. the only thing i know is...my life could be remarkable, awesome and unfathomable! but i lead a life of mediocrity because i've chosen that.

God is the only one who can warm your heart...

may you find the strength to spark the flame again, and find that Christ is the ultimate way to living!

some things i've learned along the way...

i guess that i believe if you have something on your heart, you should share it. sooner or later it will probably come out one way or the other. always be honest. don't be brutal. always be loving. always share and be kind. never believe everything you hear. take interest in others. don't eat so much junkfood. exercise..it really does help you feel better. learn to forgive people, even the ones that hurt you more than anything. find what you believe in. no one can make you believe something you don't. don't follow; lead. i know that they always say to never regret anything, but i say...regret...move on and learn from it. don't hold grudges because the only person hurting is you. life isn't a race or a competition; we're all given different lots and paths in life...take your time to find the right way. i believe Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins and he is the one truth and the only way. don't take my word; i say find out for yourself. laughter is the sweetest gift someone can give you. forget the past and truly forget it or you'll never have a better future. hold onto true love. if you love someone tell them even if they don't tell you back. laugh at yourself. love your enemies. love all. you can't please everyone and if you are then something is wrong.you only have one family so love them and know them. be true to yourself because you live with yourself always.listen to your heart. don't be cliche like i am right now. don't be generic when someone is upset. have at least one good failure in life. fall down. cry a good cry. take a roadtrip and don't use a map; just drive. never give up.ever.

to be continued....

wake up

you just woke up. your eyes adjust to the light.you can see but your ears are ringing. you can't hear anything at all. your heart starts to beat fast. your eyes widen and blood quickly runs through your veins. you walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror. say a few words outloud to see if you can hear. nothing. absolutely nothing.

what would you do if you woke up and something so precious was taken from you without any warning? how terrible would it be to lose your sight or hearing? how terrible would it be to lose a limb? how terrible would it be to know that you had those and now suddenly they are gone forever?

sometimes, i feel as if i take so much for granted. i can see. i can hear. i can walk. i can talk and laugh. i can comprehend. i can run and play. i can sing. i can draw and think. i have so much in my life. i am so blessed.

God has given me so much. this life isn't a race or a competition. i've been given my lot and i'm so thankful. i think it is hard to imagine what life would be like without the things i've already been given and its hard to grasp how some people make it in this life. it just has been on my mind how blessed i am & i don't want to take it for granted.

i need to wake up. i need to live more.
this is life right now. it doesn't wait for anyone.

Serendipity

It was the year of 2009, and I was attending Liberty University at the time. I currently was on Spring break and came home for a few days. I strolled into church that sunday I was home and there he was....Anthony Mossburg. I saw him standing in the back of the church and that was when I first thought to myself "I wouldn't mind getting to know this fella." (along with every other girl) lol. He sure was cute. I am a bit old fashioned, therefore I don't ever chase after men and with that said, I did nothing but say "hey" to him. That was that. I went back to school and went on with my life.

Meanwhile God had other plans, because I came home for the summer and found out that I wouldn't be able to return to Liberty in the fall due to financial issues. I can assure you it wasn't pretty. I was CRUSHED. I had made so many good friends and had such a fun time at Liberty that I was on cloud nine, and then the thought of coming back home was just terrible to me at the time. ( funny looking back) I had a rough summer because I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with school and where I was in my life. I almost felt as if I was searching for a temporary fill(instead of turning to God) because I had been so happy and then I wasn't. I quickly found through that experience of transitioning that I based alot of my happiness on my circumstances. Looking back it was good I didn't go back to Liberty because believe it or not, I prayed and read God's word less while I was at Liberty (christian university) because I was always running around with friends and doing activities.

So here I was back home, feeling sad for myself and missing my busy life with friends 24/7. I was in this waiting room of trying to figure out what to do with my life, so I decided to go to wvup. I finally accepted where I was and realized God had some BIG plans ahead for me. I remember writing that down to remind myself. I remember saying that outloud to myself as well. " God has big plans for me! I trust Him." I wasn't sure what they were or still to this day what His plans are for me, but i've come a long ways.

I remember that my deepest desires in my heart were to know God more and wanting a husband. I remember most of my cousins at the time were recently married and having babies and I desired that in my heart, but I didn't know if that was for me. It was a rough time for me. At times I felt very selfish because I wanted what I wanted, so I asked God to remove any desires from my heart that didn't match up with His. They never left.

Meanwhile, God was working in Anthony's heart. Anthony was away traveling with billy wayne so we didn't really talk a whole lot. Occasionally i'd get a text from Anthony. I was always interested in him, and to be honest i'm pretty sure i had an idea he was interested in me (haha), but we just were in different places at the time. So i was running late for church one wednesday of fall 2009 and i'm walking into church probably about 15 minutes late, and i hear this car pull up and its anthony! I thought to myself " oh great I look terrible tonight!". haha So he caught up to me and we chatted for a little bit and that was that. I thought that he'd be heading back on the road again with billy wayne to sing soon so i didn't want to get to involved by even just talking to him. (girls are odd) lol. Long story short, i get a text from him that night and we ended up hanging out that weekend and let's just say it was HISTORY FROM THERE. haha all it took was one time hanging out with me and he was hooked...haha totally kidding. but really... lol.

He ended up coming back home for some reason instead of touring with billy wayne for opportunities at home to sing and we just instantly clicked! So this october 28th will be our one year. we knew within a month or so that we were going to get married. God brought us together for a very special reason. He has brought so much of God's love in my life. I have learned so much about God through Anthony. I am honestly so blessed to have him in my life and I almost feel guilty to know him because He's so wonderful to me! I don't deserve such a godly man who sincerely loves the Lord! God is so merciful and loving.

So here we are...almost a year later, ENGAGED! It makes my heart smile and I am so excited to see what God will do in our lives together. I am just elated to see God through this relationship. I think its a bit surreal to me right now and I just find myself daydreaming the past few days of our wedding and our life together. It is exciting. Its just life and mundane things that I find myself being excited over like going to the grocery store or cooking meals together, but its because i'm in love with this man!

So here it is...i hope that in 6 months, i will read this and laugh because it seems so far from now but i know it will come quickly.
I just thank God for this experience and hope He shows us the way to go.

Accepting Love

I don't care what you've done or who you used to be.
but i don't understand that you don't care about my past as well.
I don't mind if you mess up or fail.
but i can't seem to grasp that you love me in my lowest points.
You make me smile when I don't want to.
I can't see why I'd make you smile.
You encourage me and lift me up because you care.
sometimes i don't believe you.
no matter what i love you.
no matter what you love me.

some things are just so hard to grasp, like how someone can love you. sometimes it is hard for me to believe people really love me because i know myself and how i am. I know when I'm grumpy and the mean thoughts that i think which i don't want to think but i do because I'm a sinful being. i know all of my faults and failures. i know myself in my lowest points. I still wonder how someone can love me and see past my faults and bad seasons.

i've learned through my relationships in the past and relationships in my life right now what true love really is, and i only know because Christ is present in these relationships currently. I've learned that someone can love me and part of someone loving me is accepting it. My view on God's love for me has been skewed for so long and i didn't even realize it until i fell in love. God sees me through Jesus' blood now whereas before He saw sin, but now that i've asked Jesus into my heart, He only sees Christ's blood. He loves me no matter what i've done, no matter what I do and no matter what i'm going to do. He loves me through my faults, my sins, my failures and my frustration. He just loves me.

i know that it is possible for someone to love me through all my bad seasons. i know that it is real that some people in my life love me with all they have. i see it. i feel it and i'm coming around to accept it. the brokeness in my past through certain things have affected me, but God restores hearts and lives and He is! He has lead me to a person who truly radiates Christ and Christ's love and i am able to see Christ in a different light now. I am able to see. Love sees.

i don't understand why it is so hard for me at times to accept love from other people, let alone God, because i truly know God loves me, that's why he sent his son to die on the cross for me. God shows me everyday He loves me, so why is it hard to accept his love sometimes? why is it hard to accept other people's love for me too?

I know that real love, sticks with you to the end. It never gives up. It is patient and kind, gentle, not jealous and all of those wonderful things. God is love.

I just think i am so blessed to know Jesus as my savior. To experience his love through my relationships with other people and to see His love for me in a different light. I know he's not finished molding me, and i'm quite ok with that. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6lbbXp__tU&feature=related

Inevitable Motives

I was thinking about love the other day. Not just the kind of love where you get butterflies in your stomach or the kind of love that makes your eyes googly, but true love that can only be from God. Then I tried to think of some people in my life as an example that showed true love in their life, and it just lead me to some questions about myself and who I am. Do I really love others, like TRULY love others?
I thought to myself, “How many people truly love others?” How many people truly love their spouse? How many people truly love their friends or family? Like TRULY. Like what exactly does truly loving someone look like? Well if I go by the world’s standards… it doesn’t get too far. Perhaps, a shoulder rub without being asked here and there for your husband or picking up some flowers for your wife coming home from work. Or what about giving a homeless man a few bucks that were leftover from the twenty you broke from your lunch that day? Wow, that’s true love isn’t it? No, but really…True love. What is it? If you sat there and thought about true love long enough… how would you describe it? Not the love you expect from someone or the love you’ve known your entire life but true love by God’s standards.
I have been convicted lately of what true love is. I don’t think convicted is the right word there, but let’s just say the meaning of true love has been heavy on my heart lately. I don’t want to just try to love others ya know? I have questioned exactly what true love is. And all the while I thought I knew what true love was for years, I’ve exhausted myself in trying to love others, when at the end of the day I felt more confused because it didn’t feel right. Ah, that’s when I discovered true love doesn’t feel per se, and for one thing it doesn’t feel right. It goes against our sinful nature which is selfish desires and motives.
The evil within us seeks instant gratification (which is usually always from Satan: drugs, sex, alcohol, pornography, etc.) therefore sometimes the heart loves to be loved in return as a result of being the deep root of our motives. Romans 12:9- 10 says “Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” That hit me hard when I read that. I wish I could love others with genuine affection sometimes. To really love them and not pretend to because I’m supposed to love others as Christ does.
My question is, how do you really truly love others without having wrong motives in your heart? There are exceptions with some people when you truly love them and would do anything for them without looking for anything in return, but what about the lady behind the counter at the fast food restaurant that is rude to me or the man I pass by in the mall that I don’t think twice about? How am I supposed to truly love them and not just pretend? After all, isn’t that the entire reason Jesus was sent to earth to become a man; to lay down his life all for the sake of love? I guess love is a little more important than I thought.
To be loved. Is that all? Is that why there is so much evil and greed in the world? Is that where all the hidden secrets that are kept deep inside the hearts of man fester enough to explode into acts of injustice and complete brutality among each other? Just to be loved? I don’t care what anyone says, love really does make the world go around one way or the other. Good or bad. For example in James 4:1-4 it says, “What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? You want what you don’t have so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong- you want only what will give you pleasure.”
I don’t know much, but I know that the word of God is infallible. It is truth.” I am the way, the truth and the life; No one can come to the Father except through me.” –John 14:6. With that said, considering that God is the word, and according to this scripture the word says that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life, and if the word is truth, this means all life comes from God aka The Word. That was said very confusingly, but my point is that God wants us to have an abundant life through Him and I want that as well. So, everything in the Word would probably be pretty beneficial to live by and that’s all I’m trying to do. I just wish I knew how to live by it all the time. I know I’m not perfect, but I serve a God who is.
These thoughts probably don’t serve any purpose, hope; encouragement or answer to anyone unlike any good writer who always concludes their thoughts with a sense of peace or remedy to the problem listed, but if anything find peace in that we’re all human looking for a greater peace than just a quick remedy.; A peace that can only be quenched by God, and that my friend is all we need, love that is, which don’t forget is also God. So basically we need God. End of story.

I think life is exciting. I think there are so many possibilities in life and the options are endless. Ideas are always flowing in people's minds. i wish i could capture everyone's ideas in one big bowl and read them all. choose one and act on them if i had no boundaries. i wish i could meet more people and travel the world. i wish i could sing on a stage with all my heart and have no fear of what people think of me. i wish i could go skydiving and feel the freedom of really falling with nothing holding me back. i wish i could float in the air at night with the stars and be safe. i wish i wasn't afraid of heights so i could live in the sky. maybe not.

i wish i had more best friends. i wish i could take all the people i love and give them one wish. i wish there was no sorrow in the hearts of people. i wish everyone really knew God. i know there's a quote that says never regret anything because at the time it was exactly what you wanted, but i have some regrets and would change some things in my past but at the same time i wouldn't. i wish i wasn't a fickle person.

i wish i could have a house of puppies because i love them so much. i think that we are as free as we choose to be. i think that i can do anything through Christ and if i put my mind to it. I think that fear holds us back. i think that if we were to have lunch with Jesus downtown somewhere and he were to lay down the plans he has for us if we went for them and gave of ourselves.. our minds would be blown and we'd say "no way". i think that everyday is a gift and i think i'm happy.

i think i'm gonna grow my hair out.
i think i'm gonna live a little and dare to do great things for God. if not.. i'll only be dead.

stuff i like

i like peanutbutter M&M's.


i like photography.


i like laughing.


i like burberry perfumes.


i like sunsets.


I like this tree.


i like my boyfriend.

Life is a crazy mess to me right now.

I woke up today..

I woke up today not holding on to some things that I have been for a long time. I woke up today with a different feeling inside of me, and the wierd part is..lately I haven't been as close to God as I should be. I woke up today not wanting a sense of acceptance from people that I usually want it from, or not wanting the longing to be loved and cherished, but i woke up today with a sense that no matter what happens in my life... I have God.

I let go of a lot of things today...but i'm sure that tomorrow i'll wake up and those things i let go...will somehow find their way right back at my bedside waiting for me to wake up and start my day.



Everyday is a struggle for me...sometimes I want to give up, and sometimes I feel that no one is on my side. I know that no matter the circumstance, My Jesus is holding my hand.

It isn't a matter of if I wake up or not to a good day or a bad day, it is a matter of how I handle it and running to Jesus...

So when I lay down to sleep tonight, even though I let go of a few things that have been holding me down lately, i know i'll wake up to another day full of struggles, obstacles and hardships, but nothing's gonna keep me down forever.

Galatians 6:9

There are certain days where I feel so free and nothing can bring me down because
I know what I do have, and I know who I am and there are days where I allow fear to creep inside of me and I want an escape to my "problems", but lately I think I have let it slip my mind who my creator is. It isn't I that created myself and knows me, it is my Father in Heaven.


I like to take drives... especially when the sun is setting.


I come to this place a lot... I think I have a picture of this tree in every season. Fort Boreman Park.


Sometimes I think my only occupation is to laugh...

I don't want to be dead in this temporary life I live. I know I don't have much time on this earth, and I never know how long I have or anyone else important in my life for that matter. Sometimes I wonder if I waste my life...but at the same time I know that I am where I am at this exact moment for a reason, a purpose, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just want to find God's will...whatever that may be.




No matter where I go, I always find God near.

"IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to
know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your
dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your
moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your
own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have
become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want
to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without
moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your
own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill
you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us
to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of
being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is
true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true
to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not
betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore
trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it's
not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from
its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours
and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to
the silver of the moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how
much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after
the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone,
and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came
to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of
the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the
inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and
if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
-ORIAH MOUNTAIN DREAMER