An alarm has gone off in my world. It is violently ringing and has been for the past couple of weeks. It will not turn off! (yet). It is relentless. It is uninviting. It is a rude awakening and all I want to do is smash it! All I want to do is turn this alarm off and go back into my comfortable, deep sleep. But guess what? God has other plans for me.
Sometimes we can become so comfortable in our tiny little worlds and our tiny little to-do lists that we forget our exact purpose of existence. We can become so comfortable with our loved ones and planning our future that we tend to place God on the backburner in our lives. It seems as if we have an attitude of, " nah, i'm doing ok without you right now God, but hey thanks for never leaving me just in case I do need you." Well, i don't blame any of us, because it is so easy to do. There are so many distractions in our lives that can keep us soley focused on Jesus alone!
So let's just get to my point. As most of you know, I am going through a very dark valley in my life right now. I had just been at one of the highest points in my life, an engagement with a man I love deeply to one of the lowest points of breaking it off. It was unexpected. It was unplanned. It was uninviting. It was horrendous. It is breaking my heart. It is excruciating and painful. It is a time in my life that has brought me to my knees to question everything in my life and why I am here now. How can you go from what seemed to be clearly God's will for your life to your whole world seeming to crumble? nothing makes sense to me right now.
So here I am hurting and at a loss of wisdom as to what God is up to right now. I am questioning my identity, my value and even my purpose in life because that's what pain does. It moves you. It directs you and pushes you in some kind of direction whether you like it or not. I didn't ask for this nor did I ever think it would happen, but it did and all the while God knew it too. Nothing surprised him and nothing ever will. He is Sovereign, therefore He is in control no matter how I decide to react to this pain in my life. I can run away from him and let my faith be depleted because its too hard, or I can run to Him with every moment I feel lost, with every moment I feel alone, with every moment that my heart feels it is being ripped into pieces, with every moment I feel I am too weak to even believe there is a good plan behind the fogginess right now, with every moment I ache for the life I wanted, with every moment I feel impatient with God, withe every moment I question his plan and purpose of my being.....I can run to him and experience the relationship with Him that I wouldn't have otherwise when I was comfortable making "my" plans for my life.
"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives."- Psalm 37:23
So all the while I was making plans for my life thinking it was what was going to happen, apparently God has other plans right now. So, at first I wished he would just take all of this away because its too hard, and it continues to be very hard, but I remember when Paul said this, " I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."(Phill 4:12-13) Paul says He learned to be content in whatever circumstance and we all know that he was put in jail and beaten to a point of wanting to die. He was hungry and went through dark valleys of desperation, yet He learned to be content! Because He GOT IT! He got that the entire point of going through all of those hard times was about his relationship with God and that nothing compared to the fullness in knowing Christ! Nothing compared. I can sit here and say with all my heart that I'd like to be like Paul and be content in this circumstance of my life right now, but I'm not there yet.
But I can tell you where I am at though. I can tell you that I don't care if you think I am weak or hurting because the truth is, I am both of those right now. I can tell you that through this everything looks foggy to me and I am taking blind steps of faith right now. I am truly letting God show me the direction in my life. I can tell you that through all of this, I want God to show me a brand new way of living and experience Jesus like I have never experienced Him in my entire life! What is it that Paul is boasting about that we have yet to discover? What is this relationship with Christ supposed to look like? Maybe I've never seen it, maybe that's what this hiccuup on my little roadmap is all about. I can tell you that I am going to run to God through all this because I trust in Him and am learning to put my hope in Christ alone because afterall nothing is certain in this life. At any point in time something can be taken away from us, or our plans can change in the blink of an eye!
Psalm 73:26- " My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever."
So I urge you to take heart because in this world you too will have trouble, but Jesus said He has overcome the world! I urge you to draw near to God even when your world is together and comfortable because nothing else should take God's place in your heart! Through all of this, I don't even want to go back to being fine like a time before, I want to learn that God has a NEW LIFE for me that He has always intended. I want to know and believe that God's best work is ALWAYS in the future and I know He has started a good work in me and isn't finished! I want to press on to the future and not look back! I want to run to him when I am sad and lost and give him my everything! I hope and pray to rise up and be made into a new person through this dark valley. So pray for me and continue to pray for God to heal my heart and completely guide me. I am so blessed to have so many people in my life who show Christ and love me through this time too! I really am so thankful. So I basically wanted to share with you exactly where I am right now with no strings attached. Just a broken human being who will be strengthened and renewed all through Christ!
So this Alarm that is still violently ringing in my ears and probably will for awhile longer won't last forever. Soon I can put it on snooze and hopefully I won't fall back into a deep slumber again, but learn from this and become more awake in my walk with Christ to see Who He is truly! Sometimes its hard to wake up, but one way or the other we have to because God loves us too much to let us remain who we are without Him first in our hearts.